Rollercoasters before lunch time.
The mental gymnastics that has been my morning
Well fuck me sideways, Jesus, Mary and Joseph none of these are appropriate openings but after the serious ups and downs of this day so far, I'm surprised I can think, at all.
From a mood flatter than my chest (or how I perceive it on a bad day, hello insecurities) to being doubled over, shoulder shaking laughing, I may have emotional whiplash.
As I woke up today I felt not only physically ill but also a what I can only call a shit mood hit me, ironically other shit hit me too. Alas, this isn't a sob story nor a a session on the pity potty. I know I sound like an idiot using the word alas but I just remembered that I can't remember if I still own a copy of Dracula. Yes, this is how my brain operates.
I knew something was off as soon as I realized my dog wasn't in the bedroom, usually he greets me far too enthusiastically. Then the shit hits, not the fan, but my nose. He'd had an accident or three ?? Thankfully he was smart enough to go into the bathroom first.
This isn't what brought my mood from flat to “ I'm getting close to feeling like I want to rip my skin off, I've felt this recently, am I losing it again ?”
Thoughts spiraling, I haven't been in a psych ward since I was 26, I think. I can't remember, this shows I'm losing it. Cut to not being able to get the song Whats my age again, out of my head. Just what I needed, background music for 15 trains of thought. Anyway, back to thinking well it's been too long, you'll be back in a psych ward soon. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, almost calling my gp practice to delve into whether I need a medication change. Do I need to be back on anti psychotics ?
Too much time spent reading on substack to try and distract myself (is there such a thing as too much Substack? That's for another day). I found myself crying with laughter whilst reading about being able to laugh at ourselves. It happened to involve cleaning up pet poop and a series of other hilariously unfortunate events.
This somehow helped me do something I've been putting of for ages for absolutely no apparent reason. Thank you to my brain for this too. So that feels good, not enough to sustain a stable state of mind though. Which reminds me, I haven't taken all of my meds… that could explain a few things.
There's no wise words to be left here or some inspiring everything is okay now kinda thoughts.
The most honest I can give you is, fuck it.
Don't mistake this for a giving up type of fuck it, or that nothing matters. It's a simple fuck it. I accept that today may continue to switch from a shit show to feeling like I'm on Broadway. I also accept that it's kinda scary because I haven't experienced swings like this for a while.
As an experienced over thinker, I just need to be able to say ‘FUCK IT’ today.